DRYNUARY

Sad to say, for 10+ years, cigarettes were my best friend in times of stress: med school, failing marriage, loneliness, work stress, feelings of inadequacy and pointlessness, the giant void that was the Rest Of My Life. It was a dysfunctional relationship but it was always there to comfort me. I was not ready to lose my best friend, until I was able to replace it with a new best friend, alcohol. This new relationship seemed so much better at first. It was somewhat less stinky. It was more accessible. It made me a funner person (or at least let me fool myself into believing that for a few hours). It was there for me no matter what mess I made.

Oh, there were signs that this relationship wasn’t so benign. Waking up to email replies to messages I don’t remember writing, wrappers of things I don’t remember eating, vomit splattered on things and no recall of vomiting. Thinking every day I couldn’t get home soon enough for my first drink of the day, or drinking at 9 am if I had nowhere to run.  Losing my memory. Plus the fact that on my 43^rd birthday these are some examples of texts and gifts I got.

Got to thinking of how I might implement my own Drynuary. Knowing that I feel better when I’m not hung over is not enough. I don't give a crap about tomorrow when feel so much worse when I’m sober now. I quit smoking by replacing it with something. I don’t think I have a replacement for alcohol.  I can’t drink enough coffee or run enough miles. Ginger ale? Deep breathing? Doesn’t work. I’ve even contemplated trying ecigarettes.

Guess there’s no option but to suck it up. I don’t think I can do it, I'm not even sure I want to do it, but I will, for one month, starting today. Thanks Ventoux for the inspiration.